RAW

RAW: How I got through my break up

I wrote this piece because I felt like no one talks about the hardships, to help you cope, and I think you need to know.

I did a creative project because of this story images down below after the story.

No one tells you how painful break ups are. How it literally feels like someone died, that your heart is actually paining. Like your chest hurts and you can barely breathe. I’ve never lost anyone to death, but I assumed it should feel something like this.

This person you spent all your time with, you no longer have, It all comes to a halt.

You go through different phases from crying, silent mode, zombie mode, break down every time you have to tell people you no longer together, then you can finally get through that line without crying. When all you want is to feel okay, and if for it not to hurt and for you to be able to just be okay. Even if it’s just for a moment.

The crying

When you in the shower and start crying  because that’s all that’s on your mind, but can’t stop because the tears won’t stop rolling. When you go take a shower, just so you can cry so no one will hear you. I use to get into bed at night and cry but try not to snik because someone might hear. The silent, holding back the tears hurt the most. Trying to keep it all inside, bottled up. I remember crying and hurting so much, that I couldn’t hold back the noise, and tears. I had to cry in my pillow and go get sugar water because I couldn’t hold myself together. I could hold back the tears, I could no longer hold it inside.

 

The silent mode

Where you don’t see or talk to anyone. You, don’t respond to any messages, you basically of the grid, but you don’t care, because you have no one anyway. I use to read, I got into reading again, I read so much, that the last time I read so many books was in primary school. It sort of saved me. It kept me busy, kept me occupied, it helped me cope.

 The zombie mode

Where you go to work, church and back home.  I focussed on that and spent the rest of the time with my dogs.

All these modes could last a week, or a month or three, or even an inevitable endless amount of time. You just have to do whatever you need in order to go on.

You decide

I got to a point where I decided that okay, if one more thing goes wrong in my relationship, then, that’s It. That’s the last straw. Once we had that thing go wrong once again, that’s when I knew I had enough.

I knew I was done; I was fed up. I was absolutely, broken.

I knew it was over, I just didn’t want to believe it, or have the courage to tell my family and friends.  After a month and a half went by then I started telling a few people, but I had no idea how to live without him. We’d been dating for more than 10 years; I didn’t know my life without him anymore. I didn’t know how I’d walk away from someone I loved with all my heart, someone I’d dreamt of a future with. From something I didn’t think I’d feel or find again. I didn’t think I’d ever find love again. Hell, I wasn’t even interested in talking to anyone, I was certain and hoped and prayed that I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life. Even though I walked away, It didn’t make it hurt any less. I didn’t know how to walk away from a family I’d known and loved, that I didn’t want to let go of. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk away, but I had to believe that eventually, in the very far distance, that I somehow was going to be okay. I just had to believe it.

I never told anyone for over a month because I somehow wished, it would all be worked out and we’d find our way back together, but somehow I knew it was never going to work, I was just in denial.

I was just too embarrassed and discouraged to actually tell anymore. My heart was broken. I was in pain as if the heart was a bone, and it was actually broken. I actually never ever told my parents, they just knew. He no longer came around, and I didn’t want to hear how, they loved the idea of us, not together anymore.

I’m not sure which hurt more.

I use to be home all the time, and not talk to anyone, or see any friends. I couldn’t deal with going out alone, and missing him. I didn’t want to.

My ex-didn’t tell anyone, I photographed, his uncles’ party and decided I’ll tell his family after the event.  It was the coldest most heart-wrenching day I had to get through, everyone asked where’s my ex and I just said I don’t know. We didn’t speak, it was so painful. I gave them all letters, I couldn’t speak, I was so wrecked.

A year after we broke up I was really emotional again. Missing him, questioning my decision a year later, I was still hurting. I thought about him and I started a personal project a 30-day self-portrait project, to keep myself busy. At the start, I felt a little broken, but by the end, I had found myself again, and I was no longer missing him so much. I was no longer thinking about him, I was okay. I had learnt to cope, I noticed I was missing him less, and also, didn’t think about him as often.

It took me over 18 months to be okay. And that’s all you need to be able to pick yourself up and get through life. Start dreaming a new life.

I hope you find a way to cope. You deserve everything you dream of and 10 times more, but you have to figure it out for yourself. May your journey be honest and raw, may you come out the other side, willing to fight, because you are worth it. I hope you are strong enough to choose you.

Because I did,

It hurt like hell but I did what’s best for me.

After I wrote this almost two years later, I felt like, a weight was lifted. I didn’t feel so much. I felt normal, like I was at peace. Its taken me a long time, but I’ve dealt with it and I’m okay.

 

xxxLaikin

 

 

26 Comments

  • Michelle

    This is painfully beautiful.

    May love,joy and peace embrace you and may your journey ahead be sweetxx

    Lots of love,Michxx

    • Laikin

      Aww man, thanks so much friend, I miss you! and I really appreciate your taking the time to read, as well as the good wishes.

  • Gaireyah

    Wow, this is incredibly brave. To leave it all out there. Words cannot describe how beautiful this is; the honesty, the rawness, all of it. You deserve everything beautiful that this life has to offer and so much more. You’re an amazing soul, beautiful inside and out, a true gem. Wishing you the world of happiness my friend. P.S. I miss you!

    • Laikin

      Thank you so much. I felt like it needed to be shared, it was incredibly hard, but so many people can relate to it.
      I miss you too, Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.

  • Chriszelle A

    This is so true. Thank you so much for posting this Laiki, and revealing the painful truth about break ups, but more importantly thank you for showing that there’s definitely a light at the end of that dark, depressing tunnel. It takes so much gutes to put your emotions out there like that. I relate to this 100% and can gladly say I’ve seen the light again. I look forward to many more heartlfelt blogs which many can relate to. I’m so so proud of you and so happy to see you’ve overcome this and have found love again xxx

  • Kaylyn

    Wow, this is amazing. I love your honesty, your emotions and integrity even though it was a painful journey. I believe us women are strong and that God made us to go through all these hardships to make us even stronger. If I think back you were probably going through all this while prepping and photographing Kevin and our wedding, so sorry if this was a challenge for you at the time. I know you are strong, beautiful, courageous and I pray that you will have loads of happiness, peace and love now and in your future.

    • Laikin

      Thanks so much. I was yes, but no man, If it taught me anything is that whatever I was dreaming, I wasn’t crazy. You guys are amazing together and the love you share just gave me hope.
      Us women are but we are often left to pick up the pieces alone, and or hold it all in, But sometimes you have to feel, and know that mayb someone else out there will learn from your story, or it could help them move forward.
      I appreciate all the well wish, Thanks again

  • Ralmar Marsh

    Such a thought provoking message you’re sending. Woman of strength and courage, keep pushing forward and keep moving forward. You’re amazing and you deserve happiness.

  • Vanessa October

    I could relate on all levels of your pain Laikin. This was a really good piece and yes we have to open up the conversations of hurt and trauma that we are walking around with. The photos are brilliant. I miss you tremendously.

    • Laikin

      The series wasn’t planned, but I just focussed on myself, and my photography. so thanks so much!
      Miss you crazy lady

  • Shanneth

    Painfully and brutally honest! Beautifully written too. Short, sweet and inspiring. My song for you is ‘Rise up’ by Andra Day. My friend, you have risen! Welcome back.???

    XoX Shanneth

    • Laikin

      Pain apparently is the root of healing, or in my case at least. Thanks so much, omw, I love that song. Powerful. Thanks for sharing

  • Saskia

    This is so beautiful, it had me in tears! You are so brave and so strong, thank you for sharing! Love you Laiks ?

    • Laikin

      Aww man, Thank you, and thanks for sharing it as well. It’s been hard, but I felt like someone could learn something from it.

  • Lizette

    Laikin now you had me in tears… So glad you happy again… Thoughtful piece… Keep up the amazing shoots… I am always checking it out… Mwahugs

  • ilhaam

    hi
    thank you so much for this it really shows the strenght u have i am also currently going through this and have 2 small children but with your story as inspiration im sure i will be able to make it through. thank you so very much was a pleasure to read

    • Laikin

      Hi Ilihaam, It was sort of healing for me, writing and sharing this, but I am so glad it could help in some way.Thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it. All the best going forward.xxLaikin

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