I wrote this piece because I felt like no one talks about the hardships, to help you cope, and I think you need to know.
I did a creative project because of this story images down below after the story.
No one tells you how painful break ups are. How it literally feels like someone died, that your heart is actually paining. Like your chest hurts and you can barely breathe. I’ve never lost anyone to death, but I assumed it should feel something like this.
This person you spent all your time with, you no longer have, It all comes to a halt.
You go through different phases from crying, silent mode, zombie mode, break down every time you have to tell people you no longer together, then you can finally get through that line without crying. When all you want is to feel okay, and if for it not to hurt and for you to be able to just be okay. Even if it’s just for a moment.
When you in the shower and start crying because that’s all that’s on your mind, but can’t stop because the tears won’t stop rolling. When you go take a shower, just so you can cry so no one will hear you. I use to get into bed at night and cry but try not to snik because someone might hear. The silent, holding back the tears hurt the most. Trying to keep it all inside, bottled up. I remember crying and hurting so much, that I couldn’t hold back the noise, and tears. I had to cry in my pillow and go get sugar water because I couldn’t hold myself together. I could hold back the tears, I could no longer hold it inside.
The silent mode
Where you don’t see or talk to anyone. You, don’t respond to any messages, you basically of the grid, but you don’t care, because you have no one anyway. I use to read, I got into reading again, I read so much, that the last time I read so many books was in primary school. It sort of saved me. It kept me busy, kept me occupied, it helped me cope.
The zombie mode
Where you go to work, church and back home. I focussed on that and spent the rest of the time with my dogs.
All these modes could last a week, or a month or three, or even an inevitable endless amount of time. You just have to do whatever you need in order to go on.
I got to a point where I decided that okay, if one more thing goes wrong in my relationship, then, that’s It. That’s the last straw. Once we had that thing go wrong once again, that’s when I knew I had enough.
I knew I was done; I was fed up. I was absolutely, broken.
I knew it was over, I just didn’t want to believe it, or have the courage to tell my family and friends. After a month and a half went by then I started telling a few people, but I had no idea how to live without him. We’d been dating for more than 10 years; I didn’t know my life without him anymore. I didn’t know how I’d walk away from someone I loved with all my heart, someone I’d dreamt of a future with. From something I didn’t think I’d feel or find again. I didn’t think I’d ever find love again. Hell, I wasn’t even interested in talking to anyone, I was certain and hoped and prayed that I wasn’t making the biggest mistake of my life. Even though I walked away, It didn’t make it hurt any less. I didn’t know how to walk away from a family I’d known and loved, that I didn’t want to let go of. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk away, but I had to believe that eventually, in the very far distance, that I somehow was going to be okay. I just had to believe it.
I never told anyone for over a month because I somehow wished, it would all be worked out and we’d find our way back together, but somehow I knew it was never going to work, I was just in denial.
I was just too embarrassed and discouraged to actually tell anymore. My heart was broken. I was in pain as if the heart was a bone, and it was actually broken. I actually never ever told my parents, they just knew. He no longer came around, and I didn’t want to hear how, they loved the idea of us, not together anymore.
I’m not sure which hurt more.
I use to be home all the time, and not talk to anyone, or see any friends. I couldn’t deal with going out alone, and missing him. I didn’t want to.
My ex-didn’t tell anyone, I photographed, his uncles’ party and decided I’ll tell his family after the event. It was the coldest most heart-wrenching day I had to get through, everyone asked where’s my ex and I just said I don’t know. We didn’t speak, it was so painful. I gave them all letters, I couldn’t speak, I was so wrecked.
A year after we broke up I was really emotional again. Missing him, questioning my decision a year later, I was still hurting. I thought about him and I started a personal project a 30-day self-portrait project, to keep myself busy. At the start, I felt a little broken, but by the end, I had found myself again, and I was no longer missing him so much. I was no longer thinking about him, I was okay. I had learnt to cope, I noticed I was missing him less, and also, didn’t think about him as often.
It took me over 18 months to be okay. And that’s all you need to be able to pick yourself up and get through life. Start dreaming a new life.
I hope you find a way to cope. You deserve everything you dream of and 10 times more, but you have to figure it out for yourself. May your journey be honest and raw, may you come out the other side, willing to fight, because you are worth it. I hope you are strong enough to choose you.
Because I did,
It hurt like hell but I did what’s best for me.
After I wrote this almost two years later, I felt like, a weight was lifted. I didn’t feel so much. I felt normal, like I was at peace. Its taken me a long time, but I’ve dealt with it and I’m okay.